Who does Google think I am?!

Happy New Year!

I'm back at my tetris-shaped apartment as of last Friday, and although I intended to scribble a significant First Post Of 2013 about all the gratitude I have for this past year and bright hopes for the coming one, I thought it'd be fun to kick things off with not a statement of who I am and want to become in 2013, but instead (a rather curious look at) who Google thinks I am.  That sounds neat, right?  Let's do it!

This topic came up over the holidays at home.  While working on that Duck Duck Go video this fall, I found out that anyone can see just how pegged Google has them (what with all of the brilliant tracking the great MonsterBeast is known for).   If you're a 'Google +' member, your results should be even more specific than the ones I found on my own profile (you might even see them take a stab at occupation!), but it's an interesting experiment in technology-invading-the-personal either way.

Here's where to see what the Big G knows about you:  Bunch Of SPIES

And here's what Google thinks I'm all about:

^ I like to think the age range above indicates Google's good-faith in my maturity level.  For the record, Google, I started Kindergarten as a 5 year old.  It makes you grow up a tad faster.

^ Ah, the interests.  The real interesting part.

I have to say, Google stalks pretty well.  Yes, I'm into all of these things.  I did not realize I was so specifically into Horses, but somehow along the way, I've seemingly logged enough hours of horse research to have the category qualify above many of my other big favorites -- like music, and free events, and creepy taxidermy pictures.  And what about travel?  What about those countless hours spent surfing for any possible leads on......?

(^Google can help you figure out your body better than any doctor because it'll give you twenty 'another opinion's at once!)

And why Weather, Google?  Why?  This category doesn't deserve the pixel-space it's taking up.  It's clearly just what everyone searches when they've run out of conversation topics.

At the bottom of the page that gives you these glorious details about yourself, you can choose to Opt-Out of personalized ads, because - after all - that's the only reason Google cares what you're up to on their internet.  They need to make big bucks targeting ads at you based on your search history and who they think you are. This can be highly embarrassing and dangerous to the lay person.  Heed the warning from this little misadventure my roommates and I endured:

We were in the livingroom, discussing the strange butt-padded underwear displayed in windows around our neighborhood.

FIGURE A

Like Google, we wanted to know who was into this product, which (futher down the rabbithole) led us to discover this gem of a garment.

FIGURE B
(I apologize)

We weren't satisfied with the initial image searches, as we ultimately just needed to see a before and after (under clothing, mind you) to believe that such a butt-lifter actually did anything beyond give the gift of breeze.  After abundant keyword scrambling, we finally felt satisfied that LoveYourBubbles had a faint possibility of meeting its claims, but was largely useless and seemingly uncomfortable.  However: that was only the start of the discomfort, as I'm sorry to report that I used my laptop to conduct our investigation, and now, I get LoveYourBubbles ads pop-pop-popping up everywhere I go on the internet.  Don't the retailers tossing Google their cash know that if I ever needed a butt-enhancing product, my neighborhood has a big-ass supply?  I'm good, thanks.

All this to say, I did Opt-Out (if only to save myself the shame of history repeated), but it was kind of Google to lend me their reflection at the start of a brand-spankin' new year of who I am, and all that I could (enhancedly) be.  In real life, I plan to keep the Bubbles in the champagne and engage many more than 15 categories of intrigue in the months to come.